How To Have The Sex Talk…With Your Spouse

Happy couple smiling at one another

When is the last time you heard some information about sex that gave you insight into your spouse’s desires in the bedroom? For most couples, this information comes from anywhere but their own marriages. We read blogs, listen to podcasts, watch TV and movies, and look at the headlines of magazines as we wait in line to buy groceries. But, an overwhelmingly small number of couples actually talk about their own sexual desires with one another. This is disappointing, because I really believe Christians should have a fulfilling sex life.

Talking about sex is hard!

One of the reasons struggle with this talk is because we’re under the impression that sex should come fairly easy for couples that love one another. Newlywed couples expect that they are the only one’s that have problems. Those married for a while start to believe that an unsatisfying sex life is such a norm for them that they have no expectations for change. Both of these situations makes the sex talk hard.

You’re not alone if you want sex to be more enjoyable than it currently is but you just don’t know how to bring yourself to express those desires. We all have a tendency to run and hide when it’s time to face a difficult conversation. We get in patterns where it is much easier to hide from the rejection we’re sure we’ll face if we honestly talk about our needs and desires in the marriage. This is especially true when it comes to sex. But, couples that are able to talk openly about their sexual relationship report a higher level of marital satisfaction and closeness. What a good reason to have that uncomfortable conversation! (more…)

Been a While? How to Recharge Your Sex Life

It may seem a little strange to have a blog on a marriage site about returning to sex when it’s been a while, but  many, many couples report that they have little to no sex in their marriage. This can be the case for several reasons; chronic illness that makes sex difficult or painful, emotional pains in the relationship, busy schedules, or a lack of attraction for one another.

Eventually, most couples who are not having sex would like to start having sex. But, even when both feel that way it can be difficult to get started on their journey to intimacy. Here are just  few tips to make that easier.

Start with talking about sex:

Couples often struggle to be honest with one another about their marital intimacy. It can feel incredibly intimidating to tell your spouse, “I’m not happy with our sex life.” This is even more difficult for couples who don’t talk about other areas of pain within the marriage. Even so, I encourage you to speak both truthfully and gently with your spouse. (more…)

Should You Stay Together if You’re Unhappy?

Family Studies
Feb. 22, 2017

In the article I’m sharing with you (just click the blue link at the top) the author talks about his relationship with his wife at a time when his wife was unhappy and how they restored the relationship.

He shares some great research showing that typically, unhappy marriages can become happy again over time. While this research is based solely on the relationship at the time of the birth of a new child and then ten years later when the child is eleven, other research has also shown that despite what we typically read, couples can be happy together.

For an in-depth look at what factors need to be present for a couple to be “highly happy,” check out Shaunti Feldhahn’s book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages.

Please know that if you are not currently feeling happy in your marriage, positive change can happen! And it doesn’t typically take big changes. Over and over again in my work with couples (and in my own marriage) I find that its the consistent little acts that make couples happy.

Focus on the day-to-day consistency of loving your spouse and believing your spouse cares for you. It will make a big difference in your marriage!

Discuss: What is one of the day-to-day little things your spouse does for you that makes you happy?

The Hitch Fix Podcast

Millennials for Marriage
Feb. 16, 2017

My friends over at Millennials for Marriage recently released their podcast. They interviewed me for episode number two where I talked to them about pornography and sexual addiction.

Here are a couple of the big points:

  1. Pornography use does not automatically mean that somebody is a sex addict.
  2. Sex addiction really does exist.
  3. There are resources available to you if you are struggling with pornography use (addictive or not).
  4. Even if your pornography use is not at an addictive level, there is no place for porn in the Christian marriage.

For more, check out the podcast and consider subscribing so you’ll know when they release more. Their mission is to equip millennials for marriage, but you don’t have to be a millennial to get great information from them. Listen to the podcast and hear their heart to understand why all married Christians should be concerned about millennials’ views of marriage.

Once you’ve listened to the podcast come back here to leave a comment.

Be blessed!

Gary Thomas' book, A Lifelong Love

A Review of “A Lifelong Love” by Gary Thomas (Colorado Springs: David C Cook, 2014)

I recently finished reading Gary Thomas’ book, A Lifelong Love. The text at the bottom of the cover simply asks, “What if Marriage is About More Than Just Staying Together?”

One of the reasons I love this book is because Mr. Thomas beautifully expresses some of the same thoughts that I have. I’ve also written about marriage being about more than the feeling of being “in love” and believe with absolute certainty that feeling like you love your spouse or that you should stay committed to your marriage because of the Biblical principle to do so, simply isn’t enough to maintain a fulfilling marriage.

Before writing this book, Mr. Thomas also wrote the book Sacred Marriage, where he discussed the truth that marriage wasn’t designed to make us happy as much as it was to make us holy. And while I loved that book also, I felt that it was somewhat limited in not describing how we can also be happy in marriage. This newest book, A Lifelong Love, does a fantastic job of also showing that we can be happy – truly happy, in marriage when we practice the simple principle of loving well.

In chapter ten, Mr. Thomas talks about the importance of building true intimacy in marriage. He says, “…a good marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make, and you have to keep on making it.” I agree 100% with this statement. It isn’t always easy, but making your marriage good should definitely be a priority.

I encourage you to grab a copy of Mr. Thomas’ book, A Lifelong Love. I truly believe it will bless you and your marriage.

My prayer for you is that you do indeed have a lifelong love in your spouse!

Blessings on you and your marriage,
Jessica